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The program for the John F. Kennedy Center in the nation's capital shows a playful bilingual show and an improvised theatrical company. Curiously absent from the advertised events is the upcoming global football draw, presumably because it is a exclusively invitation-only event. Planners seem intent on prevent any unwanted attendees from gaining entry at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-congratulatory ceremony where highly compensated dignitaries will undoubtedly echo the old platitude that "football unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Hosting Team

This glitzy ceremony is scheduled to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron legend Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Collectively, they will preside over a production that will undoubtedly have English football fans nostalgic for longing for the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the FA tombola and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last nearly three torturous hours, the event will include a lengthy agenda of speechifying, saccharine highlight reels, pre-vetted gags, celebrity guests, musical turns from artists with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Detail

Included in those helping to conducting the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the watchful eye of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these ageing sporting legends, barring an armed snatch-squad crashing the event, it's hard to envision what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the response was non-committal. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are aware of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The implication appeared that high prices are acceptable when compared with other high-end items.

The Actual Draw

With 42 nations already qualified for next year's tournament and another six set to qualify, there will be a real air of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their own country will play in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "people who help bring together people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable actions." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is mostly in the US, speculation about the winner are widespread, though the clues are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the owner today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a coach with a team on a five-match losing streak, providing a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when a dismissal occur down the line.

Readers' Letters

• "Regarding the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will certain performers come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"